naked. exposed. vulnerable. violated. unworthy. useless. unloveable. trash. ugly. ashamed. abused. belittled. dirty. alone. cold. haunted. plagued. cheated. double-minded. doubtful. torn. conflicted. victimized.
from the beginning, there's been a war for my mind; and it would seem as if the bad guys were winning. my peace has been threatened.
a vagabond, a charlatan
i've wandered
hands covering my
face, You lowered my
arms, my guard, fought your
way into my vulnerable heart past
the thoughts of unworthiness...
i'm convinced,
there was never a
time when You didn't
have Your hand holding
mine... I may have dirty
hands, cold from the night,
I may have cheated on you
with an ace hidden up my sleeve, or
so I thought-
I may have acted the harlot... but
I'm convinced that You are the bigger
man, the better half, the one who forgives
the thief & traitor, adultress... I turned on
myself, I'm conflicted, I'm divided- now I'm
in the corner naked & violated, because I let
myself go- You silence both halves of me &
for a while at least, I'm at peace... I'm
convinced, You desire me even after all I've done...
I need to realize, You still chase me, pursue
me, You love me, & where would I be if You didn't?
precious. prized. beloved. clean. restored. treasured. important. meaningful. purposeful. warm. comforted. sheltered. rested. wanted. desired. healed. whole. lifted.
redeemed.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
it clicked.
i just came back from bible study, where we're reading through Alex and Brett Harris' "Do Hard Things," and i have a few quick thoughts i'd like to relay to anyone who's reading this.
i figured out a huge part of why so many teens i know [myself, especially] are so restless and feel so bored with their lives here in loveland... and anywhere else, really.
what does society expect of teens? go to school (you don't necessarily have to pass). be immature (already accomplished). party hard and get drunk (staggering numbers of teens do this every weekend). blow off work and any other responsibility (who needs work ethic?). stay a kid for as long as possible (even though we're so close to adulthood). be irresponsible with your money (hey, we have disposable income, and it helps the economy, right?). text all the time (a kid has to stay in touch with all the hot gossip). never communicate with or respect your parents (they're a bunch of old geezers anyway).
no one expects anything of us. ANYTHING. i can't stress how little our society expects of young adults. it's completely ridiculous and very insulting.
God made us to do so much more. yet, we buy into the lie that adolescence is a vacation... and we feel robbed, and don't know why. we are horrendously trapped.
brooke erickson put it in a very clear way. have you ever seen a tiger or a lion pacing back and forth in their cage at the zoo? why do you think they do that?
answer: they were never meant to be in that cage, and something in them knows it. they were meant to be wild and have no bounderies, they were made to run, they were made to be powerful. yet they are in a cage, they are demoted, and they crave something more.
i realized that the reason i've been feeling so restless and trapped is not because my life is mundane. it's because the world's expectations of me are so low that i've come to meet them, and they're not enough. i know i could be doing something more. and THAT'S what i'm upset about. i love my life. it's the expectations and lack of opportunity that disgust and bore me to no end and make me want to get the heck out of here.
i've forgotten to live up to God's expectations. i had come to accept that teenhood is a vacation and there's really no responsibility. in reality, that's one of the most revolting lies ever conceived. God has an abundant life planned out, and i haven't been experiencing that because i'm only meeting the low expectations of everything else.
no more. i'm so done with that.
reader: do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind, that you may find and live in the perfect, good, and pleasing will of God.do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. QUIT buying into the lie that adolescence is meaningless and unproductive. we were MADE to be meaningful and productive, to follow God's perfect will. raise the bar. you will not be satisfied with life until you are working towards God's expectations instead of the world's. i tell you this because i love you and i'm tired of seeing our generation be dehumanized.
i figured out a huge part of why so many teens i know [myself, especially] are so restless and feel so bored with their lives here in loveland... and anywhere else, really.
what does society expect of teens? go to school (you don't necessarily have to pass). be immature (already accomplished). party hard and get drunk (staggering numbers of teens do this every weekend). blow off work and any other responsibility (who needs work ethic?). stay a kid for as long as possible (even though we're so close to adulthood). be irresponsible with your money (hey, we have disposable income, and it helps the economy, right?). text all the time (a kid has to stay in touch with all the hot gossip). never communicate with or respect your parents (they're a bunch of old geezers anyway).
no one expects anything of us. ANYTHING. i can't stress how little our society expects of young adults. it's completely ridiculous and very insulting.
God made us to do so much more. yet, we buy into the lie that adolescence is a vacation... and we feel robbed, and don't know why. we are horrendously trapped.
brooke erickson put it in a very clear way. have you ever seen a tiger or a lion pacing back and forth in their cage at the zoo? why do you think they do that?
answer: they were never meant to be in that cage, and something in them knows it. they were meant to be wild and have no bounderies, they were made to run, they were made to be powerful. yet they are in a cage, they are demoted, and they crave something more.
i realized that the reason i've been feeling so restless and trapped is not because my life is mundane. it's because the world's expectations of me are so low that i've come to meet them, and they're not enough. i know i could be doing something more. and THAT'S what i'm upset about. i love my life. it's the expectations and lack of opportunity that disgust and bore me to no end and make me want to get the heck out of here.
i've forgotten to live up to God's expectations. i had come to accept that teenhood is a vacation and there's really no responsibility. in reality, that's one of the most revolting lies ever conceived. God has an abundant life planned out, and i haven't been experiencing that because i'm only meeting the low expectations of everything else.
no more. i'm so done with that.
reader: do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind, that you may find and live in the perfect, good, and pleasing will of God.do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. QUIT buying into the lie that adolescence is meaningless and unproductive. we were MADE to be meaningful and productive, to follow God's perfect will. raise the bar. you will not be satisfied with life until you are working towards God's expectations instead of the world's. i tell you this because i love you and i'm tired of seeing our generation be dehumanized.
DO SOMETHING.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Hm.
Here's a very informal post that I had originally published to my LiveJournal about a week ago but decided it would serve a better purpose here:
i really don't feel good. in any way.
God kinda slapped me in the face with the waffle iron of irony last night. lately i've been depending on music, specifically acoustic music, to get me through everything- it's so raw and i connect to it so well that i was kinda worshipping it, in a sense. it was definitely at the point where i was looking to music instead of God for answers, life and fulfillment. it worked for a little while but then it just kind of collapsed on me on wednesday. so i showed up to youth group not actually wanting to be there because i felt like such crap, which i was. so there i was, cheating on God with acoustic music and then what happens?
the worship team holds an acoustic worship night. they've NEVER done that before.
come on, seriously?? how IRONIC is that??? God says, "okay, you want to put acoustic music before me? i'll get your attention by magnifying Myself through the very thing that is distracting you from Me, the only One who can help you out right now."
*sigh
i feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. here i am being all involved with the church and looking like a good little Christian when really i couldn't be more unclean. knowing that just really hit me hard last night, right in the gut, right in the chest, right in the head. i tried not to show it because i don't particularly like being pitied in public, but i ended up crying anyways. i managed to hold the worst of it in until i was home alone, thankfully.
lately i've just kinda been saying "SCREW YOU" to myself and my circumstances. i'm tired. i'm tired of getting on these God-highs, hitting rock bottom and then getting another God-high. it's a sick cycle and i'm tired of going through it. it wears me out. everything about trying to live a Christian life wears me out. it would be easier for me to steal a beer from my dad's minifridge and a couple of pills from my mom's cabinet and just go at it for a night. it would be easier for me to get hammered and high than to try to live the way i've chosen to live.
confession: sometimes, i do think about drinking or popping pills. it's just too easy. hey, my parents are out a lot and they don't keep tabs on the liquor. how would they know? and everyone always talks about how those things can take your mind off your problems- why not give it a shot?
but do i do it? no. no matter how much i'm tempted or how badly i think i need it when i'm home alone after a long day, i can't bring myself to do it. and i'm positive that the only thing keeping me from self-destruction is Jesus holding onto my heartstrings, even though i can't feel Him there. there was one acoustic song at worship last night that really stuck with me.
"I can't get away, can't get away,
Can't get away can't get away, I
Can't get away, can't get away
I keep running into You"
and it hit me how true that is. once you've really pledged yourself to God, there's no getting away. He'll get you in one way or another whenever you stray. sometimes i don't like the thought of "brushing my teeth next to the same God every morning." i'm human and i get distracted easily with other shiny objects. but when it comes down to it it's really not possible for me to express my gratitude for a God who will not let me go no matter what i do or what i put before Him. i can really take it for granted that He's always going to be there. but when i do take it in everything falls into perspective.
you know what else i realized? a big part of me being tired is that i'm jumping through hoops to try to live up to this goal i've set for myself. there's a picture of a new and improved Morgan in my head that i want to become. she's attractive, sweet, charismatic, gentle, artistic, talkative, fun, pure, adventurous, interesting, demure, intelligent, and a passionate Christ-loving Christian. she's the picture of a perfect Christian that anyone would fall over themselves to try to get to know and i want to be her so badly. every day i try to live up to that standard, to be her, and i keep failing, failing, failing. she's basically everything i'm not and i can't stand that. it kills me to admit this but i know i'll never live up to that. i can't possibly be all that. i'm only human. for quite a while now i've had this picture of her in my head and kept running after this image, trying to chase her down and embody her. i refused to believe that my version of the perfect Morgan was out of my reach.
but they say that the first step to recovery is getting out of denial, right? well, i've got that down now. i know i can't live up to what i think of as "The Perfect Morgan." and i'm not going to try anymore. i finally figured out that i've been running after the totally wrong image, and it's draining me of everything, EVERYTHING, that i've got. i'm done running after her. after i screamed and cried into my pillow for a good half hour last night as i realized that i was never going to be her, Christ drew me into his arms and, first of all, settled me. then he said that it's no wonder i've been so drained. i've been fighting him and trying to be this warped, make-believe person who is not on the path he's laid out for me. it's not that she's a bad model- it's just that she's the wrong model. it would be easier, he said, if i would quit making up my own versions of my perfect self and just listen to him.
just listen. through listening you learn, through learning you act. through acting you make up your character, and that's who you are. but i haven't been listening to him. i've been listening to the kids at TVHS, to my ipod, to the tv, to the demons who have wormed their way into my head through other means. i've been listening to everything but him- no wonder i haven't been learning the right things.
i still want to grow into another person. but i'm not going to put a face on her or tag her with a certain personality. i have no idea what she looks like or what she's about or what she knows. i'm trusting God with those things. i'm going to start listening and learning so that i can become whatever God needs me to become. in the end that's all i need to do. listen.
Current Mood: awake
i really don't feel good. in any way.
God kinda slapped me in the face with the waffle iron of irony last night. lately i've been depending on music, specifically acoustic music, to get me through everything- it's so raw and i connect to it so well that i was kinda worshipping it, in a sense. it was definitely at the point where i was looking to music instead of God for answers, life and fulfillment. it worked for a little while but then it just kind of collapsed on me on wednesday. so i showed up to youth group not actually wanting to be there because i felt like such crap, which i was. so there i was, cheating on God with acoustic music and then what happens?
the worship team holds an acoustic worship night. they've NEVER done that before.
come on, seriously?? how IRONIC is that??? God says, "okay, you want to put acoustic music before me? i'll get your attention by magnifying Myself through the very thing that is distracting you from Me, the only One who can help you out right now."
*sigh
i feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. here i am being all involved with the church and looking like a good little Christian when really i couldn't be more unclean. knowing that just really hit me hard last night, right in the gut, right in the chest, right in the head. i tried not to show it because i don't particularly like being pitied in public, but i ended up crying anyways. i managed to hold the worst of it in until i was home alone, thankfully.
lately i've just kinda been saying "SCREW YOU" to myself and my circumstances. i'm tired. i'm tired of getting on these God-highs, hitting rock bottom and then getting another God-high. it's a sick cycle and i'm tired of going through it. it wears me out. everything about trying to live a Christian life wears me out. it would be easier for me to steal a beer from my dad's minifridge and a couple of pills from my mom's cabinet and just go at it for a night. it would be easier for me to get hammered and high than to try to live the way i've chosen to live.
confession: sometimes, i do think about drinking or popping pills. it's just too easy. hey, my parents are out a lot and they don't keep tabs on the liquor. how would they know? and everyone always talks about how those things can take your mind off your problems- why not give it a shot?
but do i do it? no. no matter how much i'm tempted or how badly i think i need it when i'm home alone after a long day, i can't bring myself to do it. and i'm positive that the only thing keeping me from self-destruction is Jesus holding onto my heartstrings, even though i can't feel Him there. there was one acoustic song at worship last night that really stuck with me.
"I can't get away, can't get away,
Can't get away can't get away, I
Can't get away, can't get away
I keep running into You"
and it hit me how true that is. once you've really pledged yourself to God, there's no getting away. He'll get you in one way or another whenever you stray. sometimes i don't like the thought of "brushing my teeth next to the same God every morning." i'm human and i get distracted easily with other shiny objects. but when it comes down to it it's really not possible for me to express my gratitude for a God who will not let me go no matter what i do or what i put before Him. i can really take it for granted that He's always going to be there. but when i do take it in everything falls into perspective.
you know what else i realized? a big part of me being tired is that i'm jumping through hoops to try to live up to this goal i've set for myself. there's a picture of a new and improved Morgan in my head that i want to become. she's attractive, sweet, charismatic, gentle, artistic, talkative, fun, pure, adventurous, interesting, demure, intelligent, and a passionate Christ-loving Christian. she's the picture of a perfect Christian that anyone would fall over themselves to try to get to know and i want to be her so badly. every day i try to live up to that standard, to be her, and i keep failing, failing, failing. she's basically everything i'm not and i can't stand that. it kills me to admit this but i know i'll never live up to that. i can't possibly be all that. i'm only human. for quite a while now i've had this picture of her in my head and kept running after this image, trying to chase her down and embody her. i refused to believe that my version of the perfect Morgan was out of my reach.
but they say that the first step to recovery is getting out of denial, right? well, i've got that down now. i know i can't live up to what i think of as "The Perfect Morgan." and i'm not going to try anymore. i finally figured out that i've been running after the totally wrong image, and it's draining me of everything, EVERYTHING, that i've got. i'm done running after her. after i screamed and cried into my pillow for a good half hour last night as i realized that i was never going to be her, Christ drew me into his arms and, first of all, settled me. then he said that it's no wonder i've been so drained. i've been fighting him and trying to be this warped, make-believe person who is not on the path he's laid out for me. it's not that she's a bad model- it's just that she's the wrong model. it would be easier, he said, if i would quit making up my own versions of my perfect self and just listen to him.
just listen. through listening you learn, through learning you act. through acting you make up your character, and that's who you are. but i haven't been listening to him. i've been listening to the kids at TVHS, to my ipod, to the tv, to the demons who have wormed their way into my head through other means. i've been listening to everything but him- no wonder i haven't been learning the right things.
i still want to grow into another person. but i'm not going to put a face on her or tag her with a certain personality. i have no idea what she looks like or what she's about or what she knows. i'm trusting God with those things. i'm going to start listening and learning so that i can become whatever God needs me to become. in the end that's all i need to do. listen.
Current Mood: awake
Friday, August 8, 2008
A Renewed Vow
(picture taken from c28.com)I feel the need to start out this post with an apology:
To any guy I have ever caused to sin because of the way I dress, you don't understand how sorry I am. I've never conciously tried to flaunt anything, but I realize that I've also rarely taken into consideration how simple articles of clothing can affect you. It's time for me to start being aware of how some things, even just a tank top, can take your eyes off of Christ.
Generally I just buy my clothes because I think they're cute and, by my standards, they're modest. But after reading some posts from therebelution.com, I realize that I need to be dressing according to even higher standards than what I've set, even if they're already higher than the world's standards. As your sister in Christ, the last thing I want is to be a stumbling block to any of my brothers. I want to encourage you in every way I can, even if it's just as simple as choosing a normal, loose T-shirt over some sleeveless number.
I'm not doing this just because of the way it will affect guys now, but also because of who God wants me to be and because I will someday [hopefully] have a husband, and I want to save as much of myself as possible for him.
The reason behind my renewed vow of modesty is due to the modesty survey on therebelution.com. It was a survey conducted by the hosts of therebelution.com in order to let guys voice their opinions on several different aspects of modesty and to help Christian girls, or any girls for that matter, decide what attire will help them encourage their fellow menfolk in staying pure.
Here is the link to the survey results: http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/browse
I highly encourage everyone to read through them and reconsider the state of their hearts. And, if you have the means, I also recommend buying Alex and Brett Harris's book, Do Hard Things- it was definitely life-altering for me, but more on that later; that's a different post entirely.
Love always from your sister in Christ,
Morgan
Monday, July 28, 2008
What Happened To The Love?
Does anybody know? What happened to acceptance?
These days I'm hearing about kids getting completely shunned from everything, everything, because of their orientation, style, race, choice of music, personality, etc. Some of the most awesome people I've met have been closed off and cast out because of who they are and that is SO WRONG I can hardly even articulate right now. Sure, maybe they're shunned because of a continuous sin in their lives, but you know what? Jesus calls us to love them anyways!
Jesus loves the following:
Pornstars
Druggies
Child abusers
Murderers
Thieves
Gay/bisexual people
Prostitutes
Sexual abusers
Self-abusers
Atheists
Muslims
Traffickers
Slave traders and owners
And so many more that I can't even think of right now.
JESUS.
LOVES.
EVERYONE.
Regardless of what they've done or who they are. Now, does He like what they do? No, not at all! But He loves them unconditionally, even if they don't love Him back.
Jesus has set an example for us- love everyone no matter where they are in life. When Christ saves people, He doesn't say, "Okay, first make yourself perfect and THEN we'll talk about having a relationship and you getting to heaven and whatnot." NO! He says, "I will meet you where you are. Let me love you and I will make you clean if you let me. If you cry out to me for forgiveness, your call won't be unanswered. Let me love you, and we'll talk about the rest later."
For example, when the woman in John 8 was caught DURING sex with a man who was NOT her husband and brought before Christ, did He say, "Get away! I will smite you unless you are perfect before coming to me!" HECK NO! He said, "I do not condemn you- leave your life of sin." First, He showed her complete love and mercy by forgiving her when she came to him. And then He said, "Leave your life of sin." True love comes first at all times. A changed life is a result of that love.
So we need to follow Christ's example. Love the people first with a sincere, steadfast love. It's the greatest need in the world. The changed life because of that love will come later.
These days I'm hearing about kids getting completely shunned from everything, everything, because of their orientation, style, race, choice of music, personality, etc. Some of the most awesome people I've met have been closed off and cast out because of who they are and that is SO WRONG I can hardly even articulate right now. Sure, maybe they're shunned because of a continuous sin in their lives, but you know what? Jesus calls us to love them anyways!
Jesus loves the following:
Pornstars
Druggies
Child abusers
Murderers
Thieves
Gay/bisexual people
Prostitutes
Sexual abusers
Self-abusers
Atheists
Muslims
Traffickers
Slave traders and owners
And so many more that I can't even think of right now.
JESUS.
LOVES.
EVERYONE.
Regardless of what they've done or who they are. Now, does He like what they do? No, not at all! But He loves them unconditionally, even if they don't love Him back.
Jesus has set an example for us- love everyone no matter where they are in life. When Christ saves people, He doesn't say, "Okay, first make yourself perfect and THEN we'll talk about having a relationship and you getting to heaven and whatnot." NO! He says, "I will meet you where you are. Let me love you and I will make you clean if you let me. If you cry out to me for forgiveness, your call won't be unanswered. Let me love you, and we'll talk about the rest later."
For example, when the woman in John 8 was caught DURING sex with a man who was NOT her husband and brought before Christ, did He say, "Get away! I will smite you unless you are perfect before coming to me!" HECK NO! He said, "I do not condemn you- leave your life of sin." First, He showed her complete love and mercy by forgiving her when she came to him. And then He said, "Leave your life of sin." True love comes first at all times. A changed life is a result of that love.
So we need to follow Christ's example. Love the people first with a sincere, steadfast love. It's the greatest need in the world. The changed life because of that love will come later.
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