Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Here's a very informal post that I had originally published to my LiveJournal about a week ago but decided it would serve a better purpose here:

i really don't feel good. in any way.

God kinda slapped me in the face with the waffle iron of irony last night. lately i've been depending on music, specifically acoustic music, to get me through everything- it's so raw and i connect to it so well that i was kinda worshipping it, in a sense. it was definitely at the point where i was looking to music instead of God for answers, life and fulfillment. it worked for a little while but then it just kind of collapsed on me on wednesday. so i showed up to youth group not actually wanting to be there because i felt like such crap, which i was. so there i was, cheating on God with acoustic music and then what happens?

the worship team holds an acoustic worship night. they've NEVER done that before.

come on, seriously?? how IRONIC is that??? God says, "okay, you want to put acoustic music before me? i'll get your attention by magnifying Myself through the very thing that is distracting you from Me, the only One who can help you out right now."


i feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. here i am being all involved with the church and looking like a good little Christian when really i couldn't be more unclean. knowing that just really hit me hard last night, right in the gut, right in the chest, right in the head. i tried not to show it because i don't particularly like being pitied in public, but i ended up crying anyways. i managed to hold the worst of it in until i was home alone, thankfully.

lately i've just kinda been saying "SCREW YOU" to myself and my circumstances. i'm tired. i'm tired of getting on these God-highs, hitting rock bottom and then getting another God-high. it's a sick cycle and i'm tired of going through it. it wears me out. everything about trying to live a Christian life wears me out. it would be easier for me to steal a beer from my dad's minifridge and a couple of pills from my mom's cabinet and just go at it for a night. it would be easier for me to get hammered and high than to try to live the way i've chosen to live.
confession: sometimes, i do think about drinking or popping pills. it's just too easy. hey, my parents are out a lot and they don't keep tabs on the liquor. how would they know? and everyone always talks about how those things can take your mind off your problems- why not give it a shot?

but do i do it? no. no matter how much i'm tempted or how badly i think i need it when i'm home alone after a long day, i can't bring myself to do it. and i'm positive that the only thing keeping me from self-destruction is Jesus holding onto my heartstrings, even though i can't feel Him there. there was one acoustic song at worship last night that really stuck with me.

"I can't get away, can't get away,
Can't get away can't get away, I
Can't get away, can't get away
I keep running into You"

and it hit me how true that is. once you've really pledged yourself to God, there's no getting away. He'll get you in one way or another whenever you stray. sometimes i don't like the thought of "brushing my teeth next to the same God every morning." i'm human and i get distracted easily with other shiny objects. but when it comes down to it it's really not possible for me to express my gratitude for a God who will not let me go no matter what i do or what i put before Him. i can really take it for granted that He's always going to be there. but when i do take it in everything falls into perspective.

you know what else i realized? a big part of me being tired is that i'm jumping through hoops to try to live up to this goal i've set for myself. there's a picture of a new and improved Morgan in my head that i want to become. she's attractive, sweet, charismatic, gentle, artistic, talkative, fun, pure, adventurous, interesting, demure, intelligent, and a passionate Christ-loving Christian. she's the picture of a perfect Christian that anyone would fall over themselves to try to get to know and i want to be her so badly. every day i try to live up to that standard, to be her, and i keep failing, failing, failing. she's basically everything i'm not and i can't stand that. it kills me to admit this but i know i'll never live up to that. i can't possibly be all that. i'm only human. for quite a while now i've had this picture of her in my head and kept running after this image, trying to chase her down and embody her. i refused to believe that my version of the perfect Morgan was out of my reach.

but they say that the first step to recovery is getting out of denial, right? well, i've got that down now. i know i can't live up to what i think of as "The Perfect Morgan." and i'm not going to try anymore. i finally figured out that i've been running after the totally wrong image, and it's draining me of everything, EVERYTHING, that i've got. i'm done running after her. after i screamed and cried into my pillow for a good half hour last night as i realized that i was never going to be her, Christ drew me into his arms and, first of all, settled me. then he said that it's no wonder i've been so drained. i've been fighting him and trying to be this warped, make-believe person who is not on the path he's laid out for me. it's not that she's a bad model- it's just that she's the wrong model. it would be easier, he said, if i would quit making up my own versions of my perfect self and just listen to him.

just listen. through listening you learn, through learning you act. through acting you make up your character, and that's who you are. but i haven't been listening to him. i've been listening to the kids at TVHS, to my ipod, to the tv, to the demons who have wormed their way into my head through other means. i've been listening to everything but him- no wonder i haven't been learning the right things.

i still want to grow into another person. but i'm not going to put a face on her or tag her with a certain personality. i have no idea what she looks like or what she's about or what she knows. i'm trusting God with those things. i'm going to start listening and learning so that i can become whatever God needs me to become. in the end that's all i need to do. listen.

Current Mood: awake